TURNING THE PAGE........
Monday 2nd October 2018
Life is like a book, filled with many chapters, it is how you read it that determines your road
If I am really honest with myself, I really thought, or hoped, things would be like they were before I went to France, but this is not the case and in fact, things couldn't be further from the truth.
I have the feeling everyone has changed and their attitudes are distancing them from me, but here is where I am totally wrong. Nobody from that time in my life has changed, in fact, they are exactly as they were back then: the same look at life and humour etc, and don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing, it can be a good thing, stability, but not for me.
No, my friends, it is me who has changed, I am moving forward, (thanks to my life in France), it is me who is slowly distancing myself from a past life, from a life living off an ego. This is a good thing for me I know, but it is losing me friends from then. This is no-one's fault, it is just life. I have to move forward or I get bored very easily. This was a very hard thing for me to admit to myself, but finally that I can and as I reach my 60th birthday I acknowledge it and hopefully, I can move on and the people who are meant to stay in my life, will move forward with me or at least understand or respect my views.
Another negative point for myself: living, here again, I feel myself being pulled back to that way or time in my life I was trying to escape, the heavy drinking, the ego trip etc. Now I know some may see this is a negative, narcissistic view of how they live their life, but I honestly do not mean that. I have been there, I have the t-shirt, but I want to move forward, not backwards......
I honestly loved living here and even when I was chilling in France I was under the illusion that was where I wanted and had to be to move forward, but within a few days of being back, it was evidential to me, I was wrong, I do not feel at home anymore in Alkmaar, of course staying with my brother is a plus point and that helps and seeing family (especially seeing little Vincent for the first time) is most definitely another plus, but it just feels like a working holiday to me.
My heart belongs in France and of course missing my Aingeal Sol is ripping a hole in my heart and not being able to play with our Bruce is another thing I really miss, but also the way of life in France is better suited to the way I look at life nowadays. I feel the songs I write are much better. This I now admit to myself.
So this visit to Holland is good for me. It has opened my eyes to things that are a happy memory, but that time has passed and to move forward there they must remain. With the selling of my house in Alkmaar slowly I can close this chapter of my life. I know I will be back in Holland to work or visit, but I think that is all. Luckily with the internet, contact with family and friends with never be far away.
So again life is like a book, with many chapters, but we just have to learn to close one chapter before we move on to the next one.